In the beginning love is bliss. You can’t wait to see each other. You have so much in common and the sparks are flying. As time goes on, things change. You buy a house, have children and get promoted at your job. This is all great, but what happens to your relationship?

We start to put all these other things first and our relationship last. Not only is this hard on intimacy, it’s hard on the friendship. The Gottman’s have been studying relationships for over four decades. What they’ve found, is what keeps the sparks flying is a strong friendship. This is true for both men and women.

We’ve put together a list of questions that will help deepen your relationship and add meaning to it. Make sure to schedule some time with your partner each day to ask some of these questions. 

Here are 21 questions to help keep the sparks flying.

  1. What major stresses are you facing right now?
  2. What are all the details of your day?
  3. What is one of your greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
  4. Describe in detail what I did yesterday, or today.
  5. What is the most embarrassing thing that happened to you this past week?
  6. What would you consider your dream job?
  7. What medical problems do you worry about?
  8. What was your worst childhood experience?
  9. What is your favorite time of the day for making love?
  10. What is your dream vacation?
  11. What do you enjoy doing the most on the weekend?
  12. What is my social security number?
  13. What makes you feel most competent?
  14. What is your favorite meal?
  15. What is your favorite lovemaking position?
  16. What is your favorite song.
  17. What is your favorite childhood memory?
  18. Do you have a secret ambition? What is it?
  19. Who is your worst enemy at work? Why?
  20. What is your biggest secret?
  21. What is your biggest accomplishment?

This is a great way to get the conversation going, and to keep it going. Feel free to add your own questions. This will let your partner know that you are genuinely interested in them. Which is what we all really want. 

Lianne Avila is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, in San Mateo, CA. She enjoys helping couples through the highs and lows of relationships. For more information, please call or email (650) 892-0357 or

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