“A ritual becomes a mask that lights the kindred celebration candle of sacred moments long ago… tantalizing these entombed spirits to surface again.” Wes Adamson

When you are in a relationship it’s very important to have a sense of shared meaning in your lives together. When you are in a relationship you create a new culture. Some relationships involve the union of two very different cultures. Even if you come from the same region, ethnic, or religious background; you both come from different families and upbringings. Here are some questions for The Gottman Questionnaire on rituals of connection:

Read each statement and answer true or false:

  1. We see eye-to-eye about the rituals that involve dinner time at our home.
  2. Holiday meals (such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover) are very special and happy times for us.
  3. Reunions at the end of the day in our home are generally special times in my day.
  4. We see eye-to-eye about the role of TV in our home.
  5. Bedtime is generally a good time for being close.
  6. During weekends, we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value.
  7. We have the same values about entertaining in our home (having friends over, parties, etc.).
  8. We both value special celebrations (such as birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions).
  9. When I become sick, I feel taken care of and loved by my partner.
  10. I really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and travel we do together. 
  11. The mornings together are special times for me.
  12. When we do errands together, we generally have a good time.
  13. We have ways of becoming renewed and refreshed when we are burned out or fatigued.
  14. We share many similar values in our roles as partners.
  15. We share many similar values in our roles as parents.
  16. We have many similar views about what it means to be a good friend to others.
  17. My partner and I have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life. 
  18. My partner and I have similar philosophies about balancing work and family life.
  19. My partner supports what I would see as my basic mission in life.
More of your answers should be true than false. When you get to about four answers that are false, then it’s time to start working in on your rituals of connection as a couple. Remember, you are creating a culture for your relationship. It’s important that you both have a part in it. For more help with your relationship, please call me at (650) 892-0357.

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