“10% of conflicts is due to difference in opinion and 90% is due to the wrong tone of voice.” Vla Mariz

Since I started the Gottman training in 2011, I have seen a lot of couples. One thing they always tell me is that, ‘we keep fighting over the same things.’ When they come in for counseling they are wondering if there is hope for their relationship. This is known as gridlock on perpetual issues. What I’ve learned from Gottman is that couples may keep having the same argument they just need to learn how to accept one another and understand one another. Here are some questions from the Gridlock on Perpetual Issues Survey that I give couples:

Read each statement and answer true or false.
  1. I feel criticized and misunderstood when we discuss our hot topics.
  2. My partner wants me to change my basic personality.
  3. I often keep quiet and withdraw to avoid stirring up too much conflict.
  4. I don’t feel respected when we disagree.
  5. My partner often acts in a selfish manner.
  6. What I say in our discussion rarely has much effect.
  7. I feel put down in our discussions of key issues.
  8. I can’t really be myself in this relationship.
  9. My partner rarely makes a real effort to change.
  10. Sometimes I feel that my values don’t matter to my partner.
If you answered true to any of these, then you are probably in gridlock with your partner. Don’t feel bad there is still hope. The first step is admitting there is gridlock and the second step is getting help. By getting help you will learn more about your partner and have a better understanding of your partner. You will also learn to accept your partner and see things their way. Please call me for a consultation at (650) 892-0357 for more help.

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