"If you want to have a harmonious relationship you must learn to communicate and compromise." Milana May
Is it time to bring mystery back into the bedroom?
You may wondering how or when the spark left. It's easy in our fast paced society to put our relationship last. Think back to when you first started dating. You made time for one another and couldn't wait to see one another. Then, came marriage, a house, children and work. Which doesn't leave a lot of time for relationships.
America prides itself on efficiency, we are a goal oriented society. We are raised to believe we are what we make and that our bank account defines us. So, what does this mean, can we ever have enough? I hear this all the time in counseling. 'I wish I had a bigger house, a better car, more clothes or more in my savings account.' I tell my clients you can't always define success by your back account, and believe it or not this can affect what happens in the bedroom.
What this all means, is that we have been socialized to control our sexual urges and our appetite for sex. I know, many of you are thinking, we've rented videos, taken baths together, and have been committed to our weekly date but we still have a dull sex life. Passion is unpredictable; it doesn't follow the rules of cause and effect. What works one time may not work another time. This is when it's time to try something off the beaten path. Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Talk about freedom with your partner. When do you feel most free in your relationship? When does being in a relationship make you feel most free, and when does it make you feel less free? How much freedom are you comfortable giving each other, and how much freedom are you comfortable giving yourself?
- Now, it's time to ask yourself, do you feel oppressed? When did you stop pursuing your own dream? Why did you stop pursuing your own dreams?
- Has your partner stopped pursuing their own dreams? Why has your partner stopped pursuing their own dreams?
We are socialized to believe that when we think of ourselves that we are being selfish. But, it is only when you are selfish that we will experience true sexual satisfaction in your relationship. Talk about your needs and desires with your partner.
I got the idea to write this article after reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. To learn more about igniting the spark in your relationship I recommend reading this book.
Lianne Avila is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She is dedicated to helping couples that are going through a difficult time. For more information, give Lianne a call at (650) 892-0357.