This is a big relationship challenge, but is actually more common than you think. A lot of women don’t like to talk about it. Maybe, you feel embarrassed or like there is something wrong with you. Don’t blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work.

In the beginning, the sex is great. It’s new and exciting. You know he can’t wait to get his hands on you. But, over time things change. You have a house, children and a demanding job. When was the last time you had fun together? I’m talking about spending time together laughing. Fun is the glue in a relationship. Fun is what helps get you through the difficult times.

Here are 6 tips to bring back that spark in your relationship:

  1. Stop the blame game. A relationship is not “I” it’s, “We.” You’re in it together. This is where compromise comes in. When you don’t compromise in a relationship you create the I win, we/we lose scenario. In the end everybody gets hurt. This is where talking has a big pay off. Try to work on understanding your partner and being patient with your partner.
  2. Talk, talk, talk. I know this one sounds simple. But, many couples get away from it. Now, I’m not talking about things you have to talk about. Like the kids or logistics. I’m talking about a really good conversation with your partner. This is where one person is the speaker and one person is the listener. Make sure to listen with empathy to your one another. You need to know the important things that are happening in one another’s lives. Set aside time daily for this.
  3. Try something new. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone. Break away from the same day to day routine. The two of you could call in sick on a Wednesday. Jump out on an airplane together. Try a new exotic restaurant. Go on a weekend getaway trip, at the last minute. Be spontaneous together and try a new adventure. This will help bring some of that excitement back to the relationship, that you had in the beginning.
  4. Play Twister together. It’s easy as an adult to forget to play. You forget how important it is to play. When you play a game like Twister (clothing optional), you have to touch one another. Touch is important. The more you play together and touch one another, the better. The next time you are in the kitchen, rub up against him for no reason.
  5. Work at it. You live in a society where you are let to believe, that once you get married everything will fall in it’s place. If you have been in a relationship for awhile, you know this isn’t true. Relationships aren’t rocket science, but they do require work. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner questions, or let your partner know how you are feeling and what you need. Be open to your partner’s ideas. This is known as accepting influence from your partner. These small things will make a BIG difference in the long run. Your hard work will have a big pay off.
  6. Believe that you are sexy. When your husband doesn’t find you attractive, it can hurt your self esteem. Start by looking in the mirror and telling yourself, that you are sexy. Then spend time on yourself. Take a bubble bath, buy some new expensive mascara, wear that sexy black dress, or buy some sexy lingerie. After being married for a while, it’s easy to put yourself last. This can cause you to be resentful towards your husband.

Sex is one of the most meaningful parts of a relationship. Good sex starts with a good friendship. You don’t want to feel like your partner is trying to change you. I see this a lot, where problems in the relationship come out in your sex life. Try asking your husband what is really bothering him. Then, don’t get defensive with his answer.

Lianne Avila is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Mateo, CA. She has helped many couples bring back the intimacy in their relationship. For more information, please call or email (650) 892-0357 or Lianne@LessonsforLove.com.

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Lianne Avila, MFT
1510 Fashion Island Blvd.
Suite 110
San Mateo, CA 94404

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(650) 892-0357

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