Having a miscarriage can greatly affect your relationship. I’ve found it can either tear you apart, or bring you closer. No one really knows what you are going through, unless they have experienced it themselves. Your partner may be the one person you feel the most safe with, when talking about this.
No one really knows the reason a miscarriage happens. There can be many different reasons. What’s important is that you don’t blame yourself, and that you allow yourself to grieve. Let yourself feel all of the emotions that you have about the miscarriage. Don’t keep it in. This will keep you stuck, in the long run.
Here are the 4 most common relationship problems after a miscarriage, and how to handle them:
- You may feel like giving up on having a baby. You are feeling sad and let down. No one can predict the future. Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally. You have been through alot, and you need a break. This is a great time to go away for the weekend or take long bubble baths. Make sure you have all the medical help you need. After a while, your attitude may change. When you feel strong enough, you can try again. Many couples have had miscarriages, and have gone on to have happy, healthy babies.
- You may grow distant in your relationship. This is not that unusual in the beginning. You didn’t plan for this to happen. You may feel like it’s your fault, or you don’t know what to do. You are not alone in feeling this way. Many couples feel this way after a miscarriage. Research has found that when couples feel distant, they aren’t talking about their feelings. This can cause a couple to stay stuck. If it continues it can lead to depression. Make sure you talk about the miscarriage and how you feel about it to one another, friends and family. If you need more call a professional, like myself. This will help you process your experience.
- You can’t stop fighting with your husband. You have been fighting over every little thing. You just can’ agree on anything. This could mean that you don’t know how to deal with your feelings of anger over the loss. You have to recognize that this is a loss, and it involves a grieving process. Anger, is actually one of the stages in grieving. You need to recognize this as a normal stage of grieving. Instead of taking your anger out on one another, recognize why you are angry. When you allow yourself to grieve and experience all of your feelings, it’s a much healthier way of getting it out. This is where talking to one another about the miscarriage, is very helpful.
- Your husband wants you to be stronger, but right now you just can’t. You and your husband have differences in how you handle loss. Maybe, because he is a man he feels you should just roll with the punches. This could also have to do with how he was raised or his environment. This is where talking about the miscarriage is important. It’s alright to have differences in how you handle loss. You might feel like he is not validating your feelings, since he handles the feelings of loss differently than you. Let him know you need time and you need him to be supportive. Grieving is a personal experience, let him know that. This is a great time to develop a deeper understanding of one another. Ask him how his family handled loss when he was a child. Let him know how your family handled loss when you were a child. Ask him about gender differences in expressing feelings. You never know, he may feel pressured to be the strong one. Since he is a man.
Instead of letting a miscarriage drive a wedge in your relationship, spend time developing a deeper understanding of one another. I have heard many couples say, a miscarriage drove them closer. You may learn something new about one another. You will also learn that your partner won’t leave during the tough times.
Lianne Avila is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, in San Mateo, CA. She has helped couples grieve the loss of a miscarriage, and come out on the other side. For more information, please call or email (650) 892-0357 or Lianne@LessonsforLove.com.