Relationship Challenges

Entering a relationship, is like starting a long term investment for retirement. That is, if you're in it for the long haul and would like to have a nice retirement. It's no secret that relationships have highs and lows. What's important is that you repair after the lows. 

You build a good relationship over time. It's the small deposits that make a big difference over a long period of time. If you aren't making a lot of small deposits, then making one big deposit won't make a bit of difference. It may actually hurt your relationship in the long run.

If you make too many withdrawals, you will end up overdrawn which can cause the relationship to end. This doesn't mean you count. Counting is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. This means you make genuine deposits into your relationship, and take a genuine interest in your partner. Here are five simple investments you can make everyday:

1. Kiss, Kiss, Kiss. This is very simple but it's easy to get away from when you are in a long term relationship. Kiss for at least six and a half seconds, twice a day. This is not a long time. When you kiss for six and a half seconds, things in the brain begin to change. Prepare for the kiss like you did in the beginning.…

Read more: 5 Simple Investments You Can Make In Your Relationship Everyday

Money, sex and the children. I have seen many couples in therapy over the 14 years I have worked as a Marriage & Family Therapist. I have found that many couples have problems on the surface and they need to address the problems underneath the surface. After being in a relationship it's easy to pick on your partner's faults and blame one another if the relationship is going south. 

Over the past five years I have been trained in and using The Gottman Method for Couples. This is a well researched method. The Gottman's have done over four decades of research in working with couples. They have developed a lot of great tools for couples to help with communication and building the friendship in the relationship. Which, by the way, the research has found that a good friendship is crucial in a relationship. This is reported by, both men and women.

One of my favorite tools that they have that helps with communication is Dreams within Conflict. This helps the couple have a guided conversation that helps build understanding in the relationship. One person is the speaker and one is the listener. The speaker is the dream speaker and the listener is the dream catcher. It's easy to want to fix or solve the problem. The purpose of this exercise is not to argue for your…

Read more: 3 Things To Stop Fighting About, & 3 Things To Start Talking About

Whether you are in a good relationship or a dysfunctional one, there will always be conflict. What matters most is how you manage the conflict. In the Gottman's research, they found that 69% of problems in a relationship weren't solvable. What this means is you need to work on understanding one another in your relationship.

When couples come in for counseling, they want to solve their problems and move on. They aren't usually that happy when they find out most of their problems aren't solvable. Going for a solution now can actually hurt the relationship. This also means you don't have to fix everything. Which I find as a relief. When I was younger I was a strong problem solver and now I'm not. This has changed my attitude on life tremendously, and in a good way.

Don't worry if you are trying to solve your relationship problems, you aren't alone. Many of us have done it and may still try to in the future. Couples tend to get stuck in their problems. This leads to a lot of conflict and misunderstanding. We have found at the Gottman Institute, that these are the four ways to ruin a perfectly good relationship:

1. Criticize (Attack) - Using "you" statements.
2. Defensive - You attacked, so I will defend myself. (We've heard Donald Trump use this one) This is…

Read more: How To Fix The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems

Whether you are in a good relationship or a dysfunctional one, there will always be conflict. What matters most is how you manage the conflict. In the Gottman's research, they found that 69% of problems in a relationship weren't solvable. What this means is you need to work on understanding one another in your relationship.

When couples come in for counseling, they want to solve their problems and move on. They aren't usually that happy when they find out most of their problems aren't solvable. Going for a solution now can actually hurt the relationship. This also means you don't have to fix everything. Which I find as a relief. When I was younger I was a strong problem solver and now I'm not. This has changed my attitude on life tremendously, and in a good way.

Don't worry if you are trying to solve your relationship problems, you aren't alone. Many of us have done it and may still try to in the future. Couples tend to get stuck in their problems. This leads to a lot of conflict and misunderstanding. We have found at the Gottman Institute, that these are the four ways to ruin a perfectly good relationship:

1. Criticize (Attack) - Using "you" statements.
2. Defensive - You attacked, so I will defend myself. (We've heard Donald Trump use this one) This is also known as, righteous indignation. 
3. Contempt…

Read more: The Four Most Common Relationship Problems And How To Fix Them