It’s the worst feeling in the world, when you realize your marriage is broken. You never thought this would happen. In the beginning, you felt it would last forever. Of course, you were mesmerized by the newness of the relationship. You did not see any of your partner’s flaws.
All marriages go through highs and lows. But, it feels much worse when it is broken. You wonder if it can ever be fixed? Your heart is breaking. You wonder if you will ever get through this?
There is no magic wand here. I have seen many couples in my practice. By the time they come to see me, they are usually on the brink of divorce. They have lots of questions for me. ‘Can you fix us?’ ‘Is it worth it?’ And, so on. I tell them, I have no magical answers. I know you will need to make an investment in your relationship, again. The truth is some couples make it and some don’t.
When you are stuck in the negative sentiment override, 50% of the time you don’t notice the positive in the relationship. Meaning, even when things are going well the relationship is ridden with the negative sentiment override.
When the relationship is in the positive sentiment override. You know when your husband tells you he’ll be home for dinner he is. Or, if he calls and tells you he’s stuck in traffic you know he is. You aren’t constantly doubting the relationship or thinking negatively of your partner. You also have positive things to say about your partner to your friends and family.
Men and women have been arguing about money since the beginning of time. Maybe, you make a lot of money, maybe you don’t. Whether you do or not, you still have your differences about money. Is your partner more of a saver? Are you more of a spender? You can have your differences about money and still have a happy marriage.
Do you avoid talking about these issues? Do you hide the credit card bill? Do you tell your child not to tell dad what you bought? If you said yes to any of these questions, then there are problems with money in your relationship.
A nurturing and supportive relationship requires honesty and understanding. Your beliefs about money go way back. You learned them from your family of origin. How did your parents communicate about money? Did they argue a lot about money? Did you feel the playing ground was equal, or did one person make all the decisions about spending. Maybe, you grew up in an environment that was chaotic, and decisions were made impulsively about spending.
The first step is sitting down with your partner and having a conversations about where your beliefs came from about money. You need to be gentle in the conversation. Don’t start…
Most of the time you show love the way you receive love. For example, if you like to touch, then you may hold your partners hand. If you like to receive compliments, then you may compliment your partner on how smart they are.
There are many ways to show love. What’s important is that your partner gets that you are showing and expressing love towards them. If you have been in a relationship for a while, then you know relationships are about giving and receiving.
That really is the question. How often do you come across somebody that doesn’t want to make more money? I’m sure you probably want to make more money yourself. But, then what happens? You no sooner start making more money, and it’s not enough. Perfect example of money causing problems.
So, how does this play out in your relationship? Whether both people in a relationship work outside the home, or one works outside the home. Money matters will always come up in a relationship. Let me just say, if you have decided to stay home with the children and take care of the house, then you have a full time job. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Unfortunately, in our society money equals power. It’s been that way for a long time. So, if you are the one staying home or you make less than your partner, then it may be used against you. If that’s the case, then you will need to speak up for yourself. Don’t be shy, let your partner know how hard you work, and what your worth is.
You don’t want to sweep the subject of money under the carpet, either. Often times, the job of making sure the bills are paid is put on the…