So many of my single clients ask me, 'why am I still single?' They feel they are doomed in relationships. I ask them, "are you truly being honest with yourself?" How open are they to their friends and family's constructive advice? How open are they to therapy and taking a closer look at themselves? Many of my clients complain that they repeat the same dating patterns. I have found that many single people, may be sabotaging their chances of happiness without realizing it. It's surprising how many single men and women feel they don't deserve a loving relationship. 

I live and practice in the Bay Area, and many people complain it's hard to meet single people. I tell them, they are in charge of their attitude and they are responsible for how they come across to people. They need to understand they are responsible for their happiness and who they allow into their lives. This may be hard to read, but you need to read it. If you are always attracting people towards you that are non committal it may actually be "you" that has the fear of a relationship actually working out long term. 

First Impressions and Things to Be Aware Of:

  • Being too available (coming across as desperate) 
  • Putting someone on a pedestal or idolizing them
  • Pessimistic or negative comments
  • Insecure opening lines: "Why me? You are the first date I've had in a year."
  • How they treat others in their surroundings
  • Body language
  • Clothing statements
Know what your priorities are in a relationship. Don't make the checklist a mile long with the top priorities being finances or materialistic things. This type of shallow thinking will keep you on a permanent roller coaster ride. Are the words "thoughtful, compassionate, kind or driven" on that list? 
Things to Pay Attention to On a Date:
  • Were they on time?
  • Were there too many expectations to early?
  • Were there negative remarks about an EX?
  • Was the conversation shared equally?
  • Did they have sexual expectations?
  • Was there eye contact and great body language during the date?
Dating can be difficult, especially if you felt the first date went well and you never heard from that person again. Try not to beat yourself up about the past. Ask your friends and family what they see, and if they can give you feedback. 
In summary, try not to go to fast sexually, remove any expectations for the first month, dress for your date and the occasion, be confident, don't bring up an EX, sarcasm is not cute, be selective but not unreasonable, it's important to remember people are far from perfect. And, last but not least, enjoy your single years, they won't last forever.

Lianne Avila is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Mateo, CA. For more information, please visit www.LessonsforLove.com.

Contact Information

Office Location 
Lianne Avila, MFT
1510 Fashion Island Blvd.
Suite 110
San Mateo, CA 94404

Phone Number
(650) 892-0357

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